Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.
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I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot
Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?
Never forget.
My 6-year-old: What’s the difference between a barracuda & a shark?
Me: When a barracuda is near, you’ll hear a guitar riff. When it’s a shark, you’ll hear a tuba.
Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
Him: I’m really into clean eating.
Me: [trying to impress] I almost never eat food I’ve dropped on the floor.
My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.
I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people
a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
I wish I could veto my bills.
What’s a book that is a red flag for you if you’re on a date and someone says it’s their favorite? For me it’s a book of Polaroids of me sleeping, each one taken on a different night over the course of years, sometimes from the ceiling, and some of the photos show me *older*
How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year
Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.
I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.
Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display
I could not be more annoyed
*checks Twitter*
Ok, I’m more annoyed
*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*
Me: I don’t have time for anxiety. I have so much to do before tomorrow.
Anxiety: Ha! Good one. You’re funny!
Me: Funny how?
It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.
[on the playground]
mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car
3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much
TV and movies would have you believe that there are way more people crawling around in ventilation ducts than there actually are.
[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
My safe word is extra cheese
…in queso emergency.
Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.