Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.
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BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.
Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.
ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax
ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive
Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
inside you there are two wolves. one snores like “honk shoo honk shoo honk shoo.” the other one snores like “hooooonk mi mi mi”
I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: LMAO! The question should be when am I NOT sexually active!!
Doctor: ok when are you not sexually active?
Me: All the time
2015: I can’t believe people think the dress is blue and black
2016: I hope the human race doesn’t destroy itself forever in violent chaos
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width
“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!
Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.
I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
My daughter invented a game she calls “cellphone.” I have to pretend to be a stranger, while she plays herself and just tells me about her life. For hours. She enjoys this game considerably more than I do.
Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery
the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with