I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
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*walks into house with head down*
*wife walks in behind me*
*slams the door*
*takes the list of places I’m allowed to go out of her purse*
*crosses off Target*
They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
Arthur Conan Doyle: I have invented the greatest detective of all time
Agatha Christie: hold my tea
Doyle: … why does this tea taste funny
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.
Interviewer: *looking at my resume* says here you’re an “aspiring side piece”?
Me: that’s my 5 year plan, within 10 years I hope to be murdered in a jealous rage. You know, before the air quality gets too too bad…
A bright side to having kids is that if I’m ever trapped in my car I have 3 years worth of half-empty water bottles and goldfish to live on.
I just pressed the Popcorn setting on my microwave and it showed me secret spy video of Kellyanne Conway eating lunch.
I do things for others…
Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
Me:*Chewing* These pot brownies are disgusting.
Him: That’s a dish sponge.
Me: Oh no! That means –
*Sees all the tea cups eating my Doritos*
No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.
Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad
we lost our power
“why?”
a transformer blew up by our house
*eyes widen* “that’s awes-”
it’s not as cool as it sounds
Me at 5: I’ll be famous one day.
Me at 15: I’ll be successful one day.
Me at 25: I’ll take a great vacation one day
Me now: I’ll just eat this this sauerkraut straight from the can.
The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious
Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms
so many songs about heartache but only one about a werewolf loose on the streets of london??
My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁
Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.
Sometimes I wonder how such beautiful kids can really be mine.
Then my 4-year-old opens a door and runs into the door frame.
Then I know.
I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS
[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
[1st date]
HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?
ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives
me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.
My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?
Me: *hands cash*