Quarantine Day 23: Today the kids and I made shivs…fine, we sharpened pencil crayons for a craft. But by the end of it, I definitely felt like stabbing someone.
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me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth
I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir
Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them
When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.
Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched
Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?
I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.
I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them
You can totally mistake a slipper for a cat when you don’t have your glasses on. Even after you pet it, you can’t be sure.
Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
stop
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable
age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable
On a recent tour of my son’s college, the guide walked us up 5 flights of steep stairs because she didn’t think the 4 of us should share an elevator. I’m pretty sure the extreme shortness of breath my husband and I had, at the top, confirmed her concern for protecting our heath.
Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”
Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it
[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
Why is everything so sticky?
-parenthood
Him: Sarah is dead.
Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…
Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
I would give up shouting at trees for you.