Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…
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Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?
You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?
*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*
Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now
“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.
me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows
*gingerly taps banana*
My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.
So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN
Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss
Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol
If I were a gunslinger I’d bedazzle my holster. The other killers wouldn’t take me seriously, maybe think I’m just packing a glue gun. Big mistake.
I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
Hang on, dude in the stall next to me has a Spanish soap opera on. I have to find out if this chick’s pregnant.
trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song
Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
disney ceo: live action little mermaid
animator: yep
ceo: it’s in the ocean
animator: got it
ceo: coral reefs
animator: understood
ceo: lots of fish
animator: [nose suddenly bleeding] i don’t- what is.… finsh?
I’m putting on weight for a movie
*eats popcorn in cinema
Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class.
One killed the padawans.
The other was abandoned in the desert
I’m dreading that class reunion.
“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
Friend: How’s your Keto diet going?
Me: [throws fourth T-bone onto plate] My cholesterol’s extremely high, so I had a heart attack, but I’ve lost 2 pounds.
My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.