@wholemik

anyway today a woman tried to throw change on the counter after exclaiming to me “i don’t know how to count.” i said “no problem” and when i reached to do it for her, all i saw was rocks. i said “oh. these are rocks.” she said “oh. wrong pocket”

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@TheBoydP

I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.

@lazerdoov

The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold

@NoTheOtherJohn

“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”

@moose_chocolate

“Carrie” is my favourite movie about how religious faith leads to supernatural mass murder.

@UnFitz

For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.

@khachapurim

I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional network

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@Rollmaninoz

Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on

@avainwordland

It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.

@SentenceReduced

“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
“No”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“NO!”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”

@runawaycupcake

Apparently just sitting here on my new lawn furniture drinking my Vodka & minding my business is disturbing to other Target guests.