anyway today a woman tried to throw change on the counter after exclaiming to me “i don’t know how to count.” i said “no problem” and when i reached to do it for her, all i saw was rocks. i said “oh. these are rocks.” she said “oh. wrong pocket”

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I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.


The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold


“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”


“Carrie” is my favourite movie about how religious faith leads to supernatural mass murder.


For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.


I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional network

LinkedIn Park


Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on


It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.


“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
– “Chemical Bond?”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”


Apparently just sitting here on my new lawn furniture drinking my Vodka & minding my business is disturbing to other Target guests.