AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
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He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.~Dogs.
[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes
Cop: say the alphabet backwards
Me: the alphabet backwards
Cop: okay, you’re under arrest
Me: but you said—
Cop: I didn’t say simon says
Me: oh shit
ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.
All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.
Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.
I hope that if I ever have to call 9-1-1 for an emergency an essential oil person is not the operator.
Help, I’m hurt.
Try Lavender.
The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven
Autocorrect always tries to correct JFC to KFC. Because who doesn’t naturally scream about fried chicken, when being somewhat flabbergasted or expressive in posts?
God: …and another of the seven deadly sins is sloth.
Sloths: bro
I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.
Can I have your parents’ phone number? I really need to inquire how you came to be 45 and don’t know that the “$” goes BEFORE the numbers.
Pizza Hut: May I take your order?
Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?
Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.
“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.
This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself
You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.
[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip
bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric
If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?
Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?
my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.
I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.