If a Donkey and Zebra ever mate they’d have to call the offspring a Zonkey because Debra is already taken.
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
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did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.
HR: You can’t wear a bathrobe on Casual Friday.
Me: *Removes robe*
HR: PUT THAT BACK ON!
Me: Make up your mind.
*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
Meghan Markle is 36 and engaged to a prince.
I’m 36 and just found an almond in my sports bra.
Guess we’re both living the dream.
Don’t touch the door handles
Don’t touch the light switches
Don’t touch the bedspread
Don’t touch the remote control
-me, in this hotel room
Jesus: this is my body *breaks bread*
Jesus: this is my blood *pours wine*
Jesus: this your brain on drugs *throws a rabid weasel into the crowd*
I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.