“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”
“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”
You Might Also Like
EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…
I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit
The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.
[caught hiding something in the garbage]
gf: are you eating hot wings again?
me: no
gf: oh really, then touch your eyes
me: god damnit
[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish
My dad can get into “dad-mode” sometimes. He’s a doctor who is worried about the virus, and told me, his 24 year old son, in a 5 min rant that this isn’t the time to be trying to have a lot of “play-dates”. So if you were trying to play after school im sorry my dad said we cant
do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them
If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.
me: alexa what happens when we die
alexa: you get taken to the hospital for multiple stab wounds where you are pronounced dead and your wife is eventually found innocent of murder due to evidence tampering
me: wait what
alexa: what
Wife: I have to go to the store. Need anything?
Me: I need a Valentine’s Day card for you. Get something nice but not too pricey.
Wife: Yep
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
[police station]
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
[first day as an undercover cop]
mob boss: and here’s a pamphlet on our comprehensive benefits plan
me: [turning off mic] does this say FOUR weeks vacation?
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck
If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.
Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket
Good cop: be a pal and tell us who did crime
Dad cop: you’re gonna want to be at the airport ten hours before your flight
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes
idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
“Dad I think there’s a monster in my room”
-Seriously? You’re 33 years old. You live in a different state.
“Just put mom on the phone”
[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*
it’s amazing when it’s ur birthday 🙂 u really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries
April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.