I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
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I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead
That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.
[breakfast table]
Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either
bank account: $1400
me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
Jesus steals the winter solstice
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
[sequel to Thor Ragnarok]
ME: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* Four for Thor 4 at 4:44, por favor
CINEMA GUY: *for the 6th time this week* Please stop doing this
Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?
Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.
Horror Movie Protagonist – *uses dead person’s grimy-blood-covered-severed hand to unlock the fingerprint lock on their phone to call for help*
Me – *can’t get the fingerprint lock on my phone to recognize my recently-washed-clean finger when I forget my password again*
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.
“You got any plans tonight?”
Me: Yeah, sorry I do
The plans:
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
Got him!
My boss accused me of being overly dramatic, I lamented in a soliloquy as I threw myself across the desk in feigned shock
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
cause of death:
autopsy.
If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.
perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower