Ape together strong
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I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.
[1st day as criminal sketch artist]
Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….
Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
GROOT: I am Groot.
TEACHER: I don’t know, can you?
GROOT: *Sigh* I am Groot.
TEACHER: Yes, you may.
The wife & I fought last night. Saying things that can’t be taken back. Like perishable goods. Baby food. DVDs with broken seals. Underwear.
JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free
ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY
I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.
ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.
All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.
I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway
Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel
Her: That’s so sweet, I-
Green Day is overrated
Her:
Beware of fowl play.
H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope
doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news
me: better than having fox news 😉
doctor: hahahaha 🙂
me: i’ll be here all week haha 🙂
doctor: haha give or take
[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.
Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!
Wedding DJ took it down a notch and was like, “Y’all, throw your hand up if you found that special someone. Now put your hand up if you found an ancient tomb. Keep your hand up if it feels like the ancient tomb found you.”
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.
Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap
I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?
my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
YOGA CLASS
INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog
*loud thud
GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.
Me: hey want to go to sushi?
Her: sure! Wait is this a date or just friends?
Me: well I’m down for a date if you are
Her: I only want to be friends
Me [putting away my special bedazzled, date chopsticks]: haha sounds fair cool cool cool
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire
Wife: what really happened?
Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.