When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.
You Might Also Like
so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell
You ever think about how there are people who can identify cars? Like instead of “brown truck” or “grey sedan” everywhere they go they’re all “that Mazda Myopia is turning left beside the 2017 Chevy Stigmata”. That’s so wild. It must be like seeing those colors only shrimp see.
I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.
8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”
Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.
You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.
I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.
We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.
Him: SHE SAID YES!!
Me, handing him fries: you really don’t need to scream that for every customer who supersizes their order, Jeffrey.
Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.
Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions
True story on this from a place I worked. Guy knew he was going to be fired on Monday, we were closed Sundays, and he was the last person in the building Saturday. Put jello (powder) in all the toilet tanks before leaving. Called in sick Monday.
THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap
[Me, being lowered into my grave.
Email still buzzing nonstop]Zillow: 7 new burial plots just listed in your area
Target: 20% off all women’s death shrouds
Amazon: It’s never too late to treat yourself from your wishlist
My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.
Torturer: I will break you
Me: Do you wear that hood to hide your sadness?
Torturer: *broken* ah hell man I just wanted to be a chef
A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.
Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.
somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Me: No
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Me: Nah
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg
If you’re wondering who the dumbest person in the world is, I put latte mug of tea in the microwave, but the mug was too tall, so I poured some tea out and tried to put the mug back in.
men are simple creatures
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
grandma: you kids are always on your silly phones
me: *looking at her on the floor with a broken hip* listen do you want me to call 911 or not
Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.
The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.
My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.