Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
APOCALYPSE SURVIVOR: “We must conserve resources. Only people with useful skills! What’s yours?”
ME: “I write and want to dir–”
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Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!
The hair salon raised prices and now I can either afford a haircut or a recolor, but not both. Every visit is a do-or-dye decision.
titanic but with Jackie Chan
“so he like fights the iceberg?”
no everything is exactly the same
The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly
9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do
Things I’ve mastered:
1) Learning stuff the hard way.
3) Missing the point.
4) Not finishing anything.
Matt Damon: “I’d like to make a deposit.”
Teller: “Checking or…”
Matt Damon: “Please, don’t.”
Teller: “Savings, Private Ryan?”
Him: I used to have a lazy eye but I had corrective surgery.
Me [trying to impress]: My entire body’s lazy.
[heaven’s IT department]
Ok, I see why your computer’s crashing. Have you been closing doors again?
God: Yes, why?
Too many open windows