If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.
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Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.
Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster
gf: you know you could have just taken a photo
If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.
[Jumps into taxi]
“FOLLOW…”
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]
Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on
Her: What do you want to listen to?
Me: You name it…I’m pretty eclectic.
Her: Great…I have Amazon music.
Me: Actually I’m not really into the indigenous stuff.
Her:
Becoming a man doesn’t happen the first time you fight or make love. It happens the first time you see the gas bill and remind everyone that we aren’t trying to heat the outside.
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.
One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.
My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.
God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.
According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying
That is some bullshit
Miscakes
My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!
I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”
Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.
a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”
I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?
Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Blockbuster: 😭 yes