{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
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I gave up going to work for lent.
Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.
“I was juggling five babies and all of a sudden I noticed I was only juggling three.”
“Have you checked the chandelier?”
It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18
And that’s just for the alcohol
Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly
Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.
Wedding planning is organized crime.
Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?
5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.
Me:
I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.
The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I’ve got bad news
ME: *pulls an apple from pocket*
DOCTOR: *sweating* GOOD NEWS, I MEANT GOOD NEWS
ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type
*puts on Rocky theme music*
*cracks neck*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*
🥶🥶🐶🐶
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele
I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”
[Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: …I ate mushrooms
I tried the Japanese method of decluttering my home where you throw away everything that doesn’t bring you joy.
So far, I’ve thrown out all the vegetables, the electric bill, the scale, my bras and the boyfriend.
Him: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because I constantly use my toes as fingers?
Him: yes
Me: *wipes a tear off of his face with my big toe* Okay
squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
we went out to lunch with my father in law. jokingly he told 6 to order beer for a drink so when it was 6’s turn he yelled “BEER!” and the entire restaurant looked at us like we’re terrible people.