APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too
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A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.
Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.
4:
Me: *sprints to the toaster*
Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”
I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…
The first matador
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.
The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me
Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.
I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet
*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
The outskirts implies the existence of the inpants.
It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
her: let’s try roleplaying
me: can I be a hypochondriac?
her: you got it
me: *suddenly nervous* got what
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?
Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.
Husband: It said REDRUM.
Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.
If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.
When I say “we’ll see” there’s a 100% chance it’s not happening. I might throw in an “oooooo that sounds fun” for decoration but it’s still not happening…😁
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
Store clerk: May I help you?
Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.