Apologies to my forehead for assuming that automatic doors will just “open.”

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Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.


Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”


[my cell phone rings]

ME (a person who pays a monthly fee to allow this): Ugh why is this happening


*gets a new lease on life*

*misses first payment*


If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.


seems like you must have been preeeetty stupid to get caught for murder in the 1800s


Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.



Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?

Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”

Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?