@CantEven101

Apologies to my forehead for assuming that automatic doors will just “open.”

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@trevso_electric

Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.

@FullGrownChris

Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”

@InternetHippo

[my cell phone rings]

ME (a person who pays a monthly fee to allow this): Ugh why is this happening

@TheBoydP

*gets a new lease on life*

*misses first payment*

@bingowings14

If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.

@frenchielaboozi

seems like you must have been preeeetty stupid to get caught for murder in the 1800s

@Parkerlawyer

Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.

“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”

@Cpin42

Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?

Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”

Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?