me: i need directions please
stranger: you need to go north and –
me: left or right
stranger: it’s a little more complex than that
me: *crying* LEFT OR RIGHT
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Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.
I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.
Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.
I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?
Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking
I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon
Mom, here’s a picture of my bf, he’s a musician
“That’s just the stock image that comes with the frame”
ur wrong, mom. Me and DJ 8×10 are in love
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me? Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
“My buddy can’t get a date it’s wild”
That sucks. What’s he like?
“He’s in great shape, hits the gym,”
But what’s his personality-
“He makes so much money. He has three Ferraris.”
How’s his personali-
“He wears three gold watches & a gold hat. Why doesn’t he have a gf”
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
Cop: Why are you speeding?
Me: I’m super late for work
Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down
Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work
BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*
EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”
The library?
INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
Yea, music today sucks. But don’t forget that at one point we all listened to some idiot ask who let the dogs out for 4 minutes.
I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.
*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.
This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.
My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
Nine: There’s safety in numbers
Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*
During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.
Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?
These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.