This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
Apologies your honor [slides ventriloquist dummy back under my seat] I was told these proceedings were going to be televised.
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For cardio I live beyond my means.
-“I was the girl that hated you back in high school.”
-“I’m sorry, can you be more specific?”
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
I ordered a pizza.
I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.
Is it free if it’s 5 years late?
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
Seriously how ugly was Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma?