@Piecezilla

Apologies your honor [slides ventriloquist dummy back under my seat] I was told these proceedings were going to be televised.

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@_Mo_lee_

This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas

@jake_lach

-“I was the girl that hated you back in high school.”
-“I’m sorry, can you be more specific?”

@zwina_summer

My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.

@VeryLonelyLuke

I ordered a pizza.

I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.

Is it free if it’s 5 years late?

@junejuly12

After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.

@curlycomedy

Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?

@YSylon

Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*

Old man standing next to me: Ouch!