Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
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writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill
editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on
writer: well, they go up a hill
editor: i’m already bored
writer: to fetch a pail of water
editor: kill me
writer: no trust me it gets better
a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke
Oh Twitter is still here? Thank God, I have about 100 holiday puns saved in my drafts.
I’m about to make it rein, deer.
(Please don’t block me.)
I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.
this is funnier than any friends episode
Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to Riverdance around a broken bottle of olive oil in aisle 6.
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
Doctor: how did you hurt your back?
Me: well, I was lying in bed …
Doctor: and?
Me: that’s it
There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.
Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.
Having a bad vocabulary is very bad
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety
[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 🕳 symbol]
DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole
CONTESTANT: what?
[hole opens in the ground]
Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
landlord: i’m raising your rent
me: am i getting more house
Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.
lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh sorry, 2 minutes down the road
#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.
Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.