[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.
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Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶
ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??
ME: yeah, totally
[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]
ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T
mentally somewhere in italy
ME: what came first the chicken or the egg
FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
“My first wife didn’t have a gag reflex”
Wow that’s amazing
“Yeah she never laughed at any of my jokes”
[job interview]
“Tell me a strength.”
I’m a decision maker.
“Excellent. How about a weakness?”
I’m a bad decision maker.
Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up
Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday
Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!
Interviewer : So you’re super fast at math?
Me : Yup
I : Ok, what’s 346×48?
Me : 804
I : That’s not correct
Me : Fast though.
You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.
Me: Did you see this photo of Abraham Lincoln riding a giraffe?
Her: I’m pretty certain that’s been photoshopped
Me: don’t be ridiculous, they didn’t have photoshop back then
I’m “My dog gets in the pool more than anyone else in the family” years old.
BOSS: why are you late?
ME:
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
My favorite part of having a German shepherd has to be when folks meet her, and she sniffs their pockets, I can say stuff like: ‘I hope you don’t have any drugs on you…’ and watch the fear in their eyes while they try to remember the last time they had drugs in their pockets.
CW: How was your weekend?
*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”CW: Are you talking to a stapler?
“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
How long will it take my husband to get to the acceptance part of the grief process after learning that the dryer he fixed 10 minutes ago is broken again?
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
To all the 20 somethings waxing, shaving, plucking, nairing and lasering every surface of their bodies for date night, I’m here to let you know that once you’re married, your spouse will not let the fact that you could easily braid your toe stubble deter them from getting laid.
Felony is a beautiful name for a girl
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over