Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?
Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
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Hey [STOP] Got your voicemail earlier [STOP] I’m replying with a telegram because you’re apparently a big fan of outdated technology [STOP]
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
Good things come to those who wait, except for those who wait for the bus.
Husband: “I read that divorce rates will increase because of pandemic.
Do you …
Me: “Yes, I want a divorce.”
Husband: …think it’s true.”
the small neighbor human and i. have been working on a puzzle. for quite some time. we only have one piece left. but we can’t find it anywhere. i hope i didn’t eat it. that sounds like something i might do
I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.
You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.
[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.