Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
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I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”
[a duel]
Him: Choose your weapons.
Me: Um…banjos.
Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.
More like “science UN-fair”
*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*
*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon
[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it
A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys
Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex
There is no “five second rule”…
Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.
I’d heard there was a secret chord
To charge my phone, and I need it, Lord
But you don’t know where it’s hiding right now, do you?
I feel forsaken –
The fourth, the fifth chords in the house are taken,
The baffled dad complaining…Hallelujah
Hell yeah, I found it, Hallelujah
Me: how long do you boil something to disinfect it
Her: idk google it
Me: can I use your phone, mine’s disinfecting
Her: *googling DIY annulment*
My favourite machine at the gym is the television.
[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]
Give that cow a vacuum.
The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block
I know a sign from God when I see one
YO TWITTER PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME OUT. THIS IS MY DREAM AND WOULD BE BEYOND BLESSED IF YALL CAN HELP A DUDE OUT. RETWEET!!!
i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious
I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!
*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.
H: Can you call my phone? I can’t find it.
M: Sure. PHONE? PHOOOOOONNNE?! PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?!
H: Have you been day drinking?
oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog
[as a lawyer]
me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”
judge: “granted”
me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”
50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun
50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HERE’S SOME ADS FIRST
Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁