@FlyoverJoel

Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.

You Might Also Like

@ThugRaccoons

Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?

Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*

@jwoodham

Hey [STOP] Got your voicemail earlier [STOP] I’m replying with a telegram because you’re apparently a big fan of outdated technology [STOP]

@KevinBuffalo

Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.

@iGreenMonk

Good things come to those who wait, except for those who wait for the bus.

@CantWaitToNap

Husband: “I read that divorce rates will increase because of pandemic.
Do you …

Me: “Yes, I want a divorce.”

Husband: …think it’s true.”

Me: …
Husband: …

@dog_feelings

the small neighbor human and i. have been working on a puzzle. for quite some time. we only have one piece left. but we can’t find it anywhere. i hope i didn’t eat it. that sounds like something i might do

@mrsmith196645

I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.

@badAzz_mom

You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.

@Conchvegas1

[ Dracula opens freezer ]

Her: What are you doing with my tampons?

Dracula: Making popsicles

@atthecubicle

Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.