Apostrophes are important.
“I fed the dog”
“I f’ed the dog”
Learn this simple rule. Your friendship with Sarah McLachlan depends on it.
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A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs
Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t
Me: I hate drama.
Also me: Reads all 258 comments on a heated Facebook post thread that is 100 percent not my business.
whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps
If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with “line of scrimmage”?
my mom taught me to say “not my circus, not my monkeys” when some crazy shit someone was doing wasn’t my business. but when my friends are doing crazy shit it’s tough. bc I’m like that’s not my circus… but that’s MY monkey
all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*
bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
This hospital has everything
Me: I’ve completed a psychological profile on myself.
Brain: What have we learned?
Me: I need to stop talking to myself or wear a Bluetooth device on my walks.
Brain: Will this help to keep people from staring at you?
Me: Maybe wear clothes too.
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha
ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.
Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beetConclusion: Snickers is a salad
My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say
I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say
All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”
The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.
Mom: why are your eyes dilated
Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love
Mom: what were you looking at
Me: memes
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
wife: what the hell?
me: that’s…
wife: don’t do it
me: just…
wife: i mean it
me: how…
wife: i’m warning you
me: they…
wife: STOP
me: roll