TEENAGE JAMES BOND: its actually just a learners permit to kill. I can kill, but only with an adult over 25 and not after 10pm
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Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig
So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
Year 2: strawberries
Year 3: chocolate
Year 4: donuts
Year 5: protein shakes
Year 6: microwave meal
Year 7: Rat poison.
[planning heist]
LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?
*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*
Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
Remember , for some unknown reason Santa doesn’t make batteries .
Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake their soda
Cop: anything in your pockets I should be aware of?
Me: I don’t think so
Cop: *pulls out egg*
Me: what lol
Cop: *pulls out another egg*
Me: wait how are you doing that?
Cop: *pulls out third egg*
Me: ok mister
Cop: *pulls out egg carton*
Me: what a fun time we’re having
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same
Remembering that time in grad school when my advisor, a great ornithologist, got a random call:
drunk guy, bar noises in background: IS THIS THE BIRD PROFESSOR?
my advisor: um..yes?
drunk guy: DO HUMMINGBIRDS HAVE FEET?
my advisor: …yes
*wild cheering over phone from bar*
I’m starting to think the girl in Madonna’s “Material Girl” is only interested in guys for their money, and not for who they are on the inside.
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.
*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
if i owned a bakery, i’d call it That’s How We Roll or Piece of Cake or Nothing’s Awry or We Enable Cookies or We’re Not Sour, Doh! or Torte Reformed or
[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
Office printers are like predators that can smell stress.
WAITER: Ready to order?
GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!
W: We cannot
GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH
W: Again no