INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?
ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.
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Wife [who turns 50 tomorrow]: Tonight is your last chance to have sex with a woman in her 40s.
Me: Is it, though?
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: I just-
Wife: Blew your last chance, yep.
Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.
“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.
boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok
[later]
announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd
me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.
Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”
i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay
I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
Terribly Tuesday.
Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.
Found a page in 14 year old me’s journal in which I wrote “And the killer is—-.” The rest of the pages are blank. I hate 14 year old me.
My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!
BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.
Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
[At Last Supper]
*Jesus raises bread*
This is my body
*raises wine*
& my blood
*pulls out 8 of Clubs*
& this is your card
*Apostles go nuts*
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING