@SkinnerSteven

Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth

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@SteveKoehler22

The original “Ben Hur” was a mega
hit movie ….with ( 11 ) Oscars.

The remake is a box office flop.

A clear case of “Ben Hur, Done That”

@sarcasticmommy4

I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.

@legendofchelda

I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days

@ShutUpThatsWho

[clown cleaning shower]

MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.

[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]

@3sunzzz

When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”

@UncleDuke1969

HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.

@thetits

[texting]

ME: I like you, I think you’re cute

MY CRUSH: oh um

ME: HAHAHA omg my dog was chewing on my phone lol how did he type that

@darksidedeb

[on a date]

Him: I love the law.

Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.