Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth
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I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.
*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama
Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with
In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.
My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.
Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world
Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*
My kids got to know me a little more yesterday. They learned my first pet’s name, my high school mascot, where I was born, my mother’s maiden name. Even after learning all these things, they still weren’t able to hack into my email account.
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine
The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.
I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice
Good Flirts: I’m enjoying getting to know you and don’t want it to stop.
Better Flirts: I’m trying so hard not to kiss you right now.
Me Flirting: Did you know, according to NASA, 1993’s Jurassic Park is the 7th most scientifically accurate film ever made?
Alien: This is candy corn?
Me: Yeah
A: But it doesn’t look like-
Me: I know
A: And it tastes like-
Me: I know
A: So this is kinda like grape soda
Me: There ya go
My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.
Well played, old man. Well played.
If you’re testing me, we failed.
Sure, sex is great, but have you ever shoved a bunch of pots and pans in the cabinet and shut the door real quick for the next person to deal with?
I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.
I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.
Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.
How do German people not choke to death when they talk
Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.
dude at the dispensary is shooting his shot w a girl by explaining the entirety of Naruto. Everybody pray for him rn
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?
me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose
him: that’s not what I asked
me: that is the information I have
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.
Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
Dog: I don’t get it
Me: What don’t you get?
Dog: Just go over it again
Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food
Dog: *tilts head* What?