Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
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*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes
wise man 1:
wise man 2:
wise man 3:
me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts
wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—
me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??
Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.
therapist: so, what do you say when she says that
me: you sound like your mom
therapist: 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
“Britney Spears” implies the existence of a “Britney Swords”, who probably has less attack speed and range but more well-rounded damage output potential
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.
If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
This is hilarious….
i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix
No
one
yums like Gaston
Eats iced plums like Gaston
Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston
HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction
ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.
Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs
I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu
My boss accused me of being overly dramatic, I lamented in a soliloquy as I threw myself across the desk in feigned shock
…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.
Today I’m golfing.
Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?