*Daycare drop off*
4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.
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*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die
I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.
me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—
whoville 911: what was that
me: the grinch robbed me
whoville 911: no the weird part
I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
SCAM ALERT: if on Halloween someone leaves a large wooden horse outside your door, DO NOT bring it inside. it is a TRICK not a TREAT
Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
Don’t you dare flirt with me.
Yet.
Okay now.
I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
Write a suicide note on Facebook and they try to talk you out of it.
Write a suicide note on Twitter and they correct your grammar.
Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated
Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.
I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”
All is not a trick question. Apparently
At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing
Date: Cat-callers disgust me.
Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.
My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*
jared leto has done irreparable damage to the vampire community
Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
Air Bud trembles in fear after the opposing team drapes a basketball jersey over a vacuum cleaner and puts it on their starting lineup.
The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”
Worth the read.
I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend