Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.

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“I’m a night owl”

All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.


Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.


I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.


I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.


The first time I threatened to “turn this car around!” we’d just left the park and were heading home. The kids cheered. It was a rookie dad move and I still haven’t fully recovered.


Many many moons ago:

Teacher: Well 75% of you passed math exams and will not have to go to summer school this year

Me from the back: “YEAH BUT WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER 45% OF US”


I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.


Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.


*standing outside your house

I was totally going to stalk you but…

*pets your dog instead