@anerdonfire2

Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.

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@Jest_Iris

“I’m a night owl”

All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.

@ShittySuze

Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.

@LizHackett

I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.

@junejuly12

I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.

@HenpeckedHal

The first time I threatened to “turn this car around!” we’d just left the park and were heading home. The kids cheered. It was a rookie dad move and I still haven’t fully recovered.

@CeruleanGates

Many many moons ago:

Teacher: Well 75% of you passed math exams and will not have to go to summer school this year

Me from the back: “YEAH BUT WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER 45% OF US”

@joeljeffrey

I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.

@distracted_monk

Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.

@TCsSideBitch

*standing outside your house

I was totally going to stalk you but…

*pets your dog instead