@UnFitz

Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.

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@shariv67

Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”

@iwearaonesie

wife: how is it outside?

me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree

@GibJimson

Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.

@crylenol

Kinda messed up that marijuana is just a plant. Like, what other plants are drugs?
*tries to smoke a carrot*
Yea I guess I’m feelin it

@kibblesmith

In my day, Frozen 2 would’ve been released directly to VHS with a new Olaf who sounds weird, and we would’ve been GRATEFUL.

@sofarrsogud

I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.

@Darlainky

Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.

@jellybnbonanza

Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.