Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
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him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
[ring]
Me: Hi
Mom: You picked up.
Me: I know
M: Why
Me: You called
M: I wanted to leave a message
Me: Just tell me
M: Hang up
[ring]
Me: Hi
The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.
Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.
6 month checkup…
Doctor: You don’t look so good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?
Me: I drink it.
“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond
The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.
Focused so much on my cupboard making hobby, that I ended up pushing my friends and family away. Now I’m all alone, it’s just me, my shelf and I
doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.
And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.
Me: I’m so lonely.
ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…
and he says, “prolly.”
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.
USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely
There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work
WIFE: Why
ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom
WIFE: so kill it
ME:[whispering] its got my gun
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house