@UnFitz

Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.

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@TheGoodGodAbove

Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.

Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.

LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡

@Bob_Lesh

*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”

@CodyJP9412

Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.

@mack44_d

So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…

@d_duhwit

Me: I treat my body like a temple.

*leaves body in the Mexican jungle for 500 years*

@tastefactory

[recording studio]
80s BAND: *gradually plays instruments quieter and quieter at the end of the song*
PRODUCER: Guys u don’t need to do that

@Skoogeth

{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}

{whispers} planet shoes

@darksidedeb

Bull: [angrily snorts]

Bulldog: [angrily barks]

French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]

@natvanlis

Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.

Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.