Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.

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Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”


wife: how is it outside?

me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree


Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.


Kinda messed up that marijuana is just a plant. Like, what other plants are drugs?
*tries to smoke a carrot*
Yea I guess I’m feelin it


In my day, Frozen 2 would’ve been released directly to VHS with a new Olaf who sounds weird, and we would’ve been GRATEFUL.


I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.


Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.


Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.