Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
You Might Also Like
I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out
[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.
wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
me: ok
[later]
friend: aww what’s her name?
[at same time]
wife: alice
me: grandma
Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!
Me: *shoving my way to the front* no
him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank
Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
Werent we promised soylent green by now?
I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.
If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up
Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!
Henchman: In the h-
K: In the stomach, yes!
Him: Why are you watching WWE all of a sudden?
Me: I’m trying to learn new holds for when I have to floss the kids’ teeth
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.
“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break
Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
[first date]
me: what’s ur favorite word?her: probably “ethereal,” it means-
me: mine is “shuttlecock.”
Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.
I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard
It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t tripDon’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again– me running up the stairs