Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.
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“Found” a nest of ground bees
and got stung multiple times.But I was able to remove all the stingers.
So yes, my pullout game is strong.
VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?
My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea
[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
Me: *walks into room*
My cat, hanging by two paws, swinging from the lampshade: Hi.
Me: *walks back out of room*
*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.
Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.
Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over?
*lies on floor, closes eyes tight*
(in customer service line at Walmart)
Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?
I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.
The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.
FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised
what all these pyramids be scheming about?
tourist season
My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
JOURNEY:
🎶Strangers, waiting,🎶
🎶Up and down the boulevard🎶
🎶Their shadows searching in the night!🎶ME: Now, wait just a goshdarn minute. How in the heck can you have shadows at night??
JOURNEY:
🎶Streetlights,🎶
🎶people🎶ME: Ah. Carry on.
The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.
It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?
I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.
Dog: I didn’t do it.
Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.
What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.
When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:
1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius
It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.
I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store