Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.
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My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me
When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:
1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius
Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
A guy asked my kiddos if they were on Santa’s naughty list or his good list. They both said good, but as soon as we got in the car, 4 was worried and asked “sooooo…how good do you have to be, to be on the good list?”
That seems sus.
First time seeing these brilliant print ads for Scrabble today. Published in Ukraine in August 2014 by ad agency Twiga.
me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-
british gas:
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
While assembling new desks at my kids’ school this afternoon another dad gave me unsolicited instructions on how to use an allen wrench. I’m not sure if I should be insulted that he thinks I’m an idiot or flattered that he thinks I can afford real furniture.
Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL
My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.
“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
#damn
The earth is the largest rock that any of us will ever stand on. So I’ve never understood rock climbers. By standing on the earth, you have stood on the biggest rock. You are done. You have peaked. You don’t have to keep climbing rocks. Unnecessary.
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*
Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*
Kid 2: *hold my espresso*
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
I haven’t been invited to my family’s Thanksgiving dinner since 12 years ago when I put pepper on my mom’s mashed potatoes without trying them first.
Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.
Cop: Do you know how fast-
Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”
Cop: …Sir is that your son
Me: I don’t have a son
My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.
OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
my ex boyfriend’s cousin’s girlfriend just followed me from her alt Instagram account . I’ve still got the juice 😎
I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.
I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”