Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
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Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
me: having a physical body is inconvenient. i want to be a sentient cloud or a useful metaphor
alien who abducted me: do you ever stop talking?
me: lol no
You won’t find his name in the history books, but my dad piloted many of NASA’s early experimental cafeteria test salad programs—a number of which introduced some pretty radical salad-propulsion designs for the time.
Friend: What’s that you’re reading?
Me: “How to Lose Weight By Eating Anything You Want”
Friend: Wow! If you don’t mind my asking, how much have you lost?
Me: $24.99.
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.
Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?
Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.
Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSprayWe tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.
[smallpox]
Only 1890’s kids will get this
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh
Me: *juggles stapler, tape dispenser and hand sanitizer*
Interviewer: I meant are you good at multitasking. Please return those items to my desk.
I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.
When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots
haha of course i know how to pronounce marchioness of cholmondeley but you go first
There are a lot of unspoken rules about complimenting a baby. It is ok to say ‘I could just eat him up!’ but apparently you should not go into detail about which recipe you would follow.
How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.