@Smartticisms

Apparently champagne is the easiest alcohol to digest, so I’m going to consume several bottles to wash down my salad.

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@AnniemuMary

Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.

@AnnietheNanny1

Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.

Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.

@KeetPotato

if you walk up to a british policeman and play the benny hill music he legally has to chase you until you turn it off

@jellybnbonanza

Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”

Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”

H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”

@ColoChiver

My boss told me to dress for the job I want, not the job I have. Now I’m sitting in a disciplinary meeting in a Batman costume.

@mellimelle

Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.

@Tommytoughstuff

[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)

@HatfieldAnne

The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.

@robfee

What if the #skywire guy starts doing Gangnam Style??