Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.
Apparently champagne is the easiest alcohol to digest, so I’m going to consume several bottles to wash down my salad.
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[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.
Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.
if you walk up to a british policeman and play the benny hill music he legally has to chase you until you turn it off
Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”
Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”
H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”
My boss told me to dress for the job I want, not the job I have. Now I’m sitting in a disciplinary meeting in a Batman costume.
Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
What if the #skywire guy starts doing Gangnam Style??