The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
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This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.
Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…
Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.
Single Men say: Yes
Married Men: Try to hide
I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.
“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.
God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*
i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: then can I give some feedback?
me: I told you no
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry
People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.
Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me
me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon
w: I despise you
I can think of a few ways to dirty up a bedroom..
*eats a nature valley granola bar on your bed, spills milk on the floor, wipes my face on your pillow*
“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
To clean up or just move. This is the question.
There’s no “i” in team. Unless you’re illiterate. Then there’s an “i” in everything. More creim in mi cofii pleis
Me: Let’s go outside & make love in the rain.
Her: What if there’s lightning?
Me: Then you get to be on top…
What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog
Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard
My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out
Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks
Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories