Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
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At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
*In Hospital*
Me: So nurse, when are you giving me my sponge bath? *slow wink*
Nurse: Right after I administer your enema you didn’t need until just now. *slower wink, snaps gloves*
My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?
I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.
*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.
We get it Amazon Prime, everyone relies on moms at the last second too
Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.
*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
[Cooking pasta]
Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.
a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea
My 10yo programmed Alexa so that when he asks, “Who am I?”, she responds, “You’re the king and you’re better than everybody. Deal with it, peeps!”
I am so, so embarrassed that I didn’t program her first.
Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible
You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.
It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.
My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
[Awards ceremony]
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”