@MeganBaca1

Apparently “cheesecake & tacos” wasn’t the answer the interviewer was looking for when he asked me what my weaknesses are.

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@GrantTanaka

creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same

@briangaar

I blow-dried my hair, now it looks like the mane of a majestic lion who is really good at video games

@secondofhername

If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.

@ohwrigley

I’m watching ‘Dexter’ for inspiration. Entertainment. I meant entertainment.

@Deurb1

Why do they play this music on the elevators if we’re not suppose to slow dance:)

@Pulse_NYC

“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”

~ Snowmen.

@SteveSuckington

“Dad I think there’s a monster in my room”

-Seriously? You’re 33 years old. You live in a different state.

“Just put mom on the phone”

@_SetTheHook_

So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?

@meganamram

If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss