Apparently “cheesecake & tacos” wasn’t the answer the interviewer was looking for when he asked me what my weaknesses are.

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creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same


I blow-dried my hair, now it looks like the mane of a majestic lion who is really good at video games


If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.


I’m watching ‘Dexter’ for inspiration. Entertainment. I meant entertainment.


Why do they play this music on the elevators if we’re not suppose to slow dance:)


“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”

~ Snowmen.


“Dad I think there’s a monster in my room”

-Seriously? You’re 33 years old. You live in a different state.

“Just put mom on the phone”


So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?


If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss