Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.
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[Bethsaida 28 AD]
BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves
“Five loaves please”
BAKER: Huh?
“Jesus is here”
BAKER: Sonuva
Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review
*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party
FUN FACT: next time you ask someone to pass a roll of toilet paper to you under a bathroom stall door gently grasp their hand and challenge them to a thumb war. They legally have to accept.
I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space
[at deli]
me: I’ll take a platonic male friend that doesn’t treat me like their manic pixie therapistlady: we have cole slaw
me: ok
Oldest child: Here are 100 pictures of me as a baby eating oatmeal.
Youngest child: Here are the 7 pictures of me as a child.
*pushes cart from 20 feet away into cart corral perfectly*
“did you see th-*wife is already calling parents to take the kids for the night*
The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day
I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels
I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese
“So you want a cheeseburger?”
Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad
When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.
5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”
Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.
I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.
Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.
I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.
When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
This is Sparta
My son is 6’2” and he just said loudly from another room “god I can smell my feet from here and I’m standing up” so yes, I will be burning those shoes
“Everybody freeze!”
-November
“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
“Sir… your family is dead. APRIL FOOLS!!!! Kidding!!! Your son made it! He’s in a coma! OMG You shoulda seen your face!”
– Worst ER doc
(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot
95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it
Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.