@JohnLyonTweets

Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.

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@HidingNDAttic

ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high

CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk

ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af

CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!

@ibid78

You can give a centaur a fish AND lead him to water, which is pretty awesome.

@bmarked21

My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.

@usermcuserface

Tigger: according to this book, we’re both apex predators.
Winnie the Pooh: really? I am sick of hunny..
( turn their heads)
Piglet: oh shit

@david8hughes

[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?

@YepperPepper123

*on a date about to propose*
Date: Oh I saw the funniest jif the other day…
Me: *sliding ring back into pocket*

@TheDailySchmuck

*makes third wish*

Lastly, I want to be irresistible to women.

[Transformed into really nice handbag]

Dammit.

@realHamOnWry

That crazy moment when you smell roast pork, but realize your heated car seat is set too high.

@E_lok44

People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.

@radtoria

Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*