The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
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[date]
Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Hungry? Have a snack
Tired? Have a snack
Cranky? Have a snack
Planning to take over the world? Have a snackSnacks are ALWAYS the answer
me at the grocery store: im going to make a mushroom risotto with herb crusted chicken and a vegetable medley!
me when i get home: crackers
[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again
“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.
Me: What’s your favourite book?
Her: Well, I love 1984
Me: Ok, but just choose one.
Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.
☠️☠️☠️
The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
inventor of the bow and arrow:
I will now demonstrate my exciting new technique for pointing at someone who is very very far away-OH NO
I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:
“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”So far, they’re crushing it
[Lounging in hot tub]
Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”
Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”
Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over
When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
I have nothing positive to report.
Except that roadside drug test.
step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks
guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
me: lol THAT’S your sword?
enemy: this blade can cut through steel
me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot
The spaghetti scene in Lady and the Tramp is adorable, but it would never work with humans. Nobody wants to see two dogs sharing a plate of humans.
“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”
Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.
My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
My wife ate a bowl of chili and a large coffee before our kids’ soccer game today, so I gave her the car keys and said “I hope you make it in the time”
*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.