Apparently, driving past police cars while drinking water from an old vodka bottle isn’t ‘funny’ and is technically ‘wasting’ police time 🙁

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“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”

-Me, when my husband has a cold.


[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt


Could you imagine being the Secret Service agent that blocked a bullet for Donald Trump, 20 years later? You wouldn’t tell anyone.


back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus


I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…

I never knew those were synonyms.


My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.


One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.


When my dogs crawl into bed with me, I like to pretend it’s because they love me and not because I am sleeping in their dog bed on the floor


Statistically humans have sex 104 times a year.

This is about to be a very wild 12 days.