KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it
MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious
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In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.
Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it
My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.
Wife: We’re going to have a baby!
Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?
Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human
I got bills
They’re multiplying
20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
My 10-year-old is cleaning the kitchen. One roll of paper towels later I have the world’s cleanest kitchen stool.
Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
Have you tried soaking yourself in rice to fix your problems?
~ Me as a therapist
When my friend and I were children, gym class would have us run around the neighborhood. This run would pass my house. We sneak through the back alley into my house and watch TV for 20 minutes and then my dad will drive us back to school. The perfect crime
Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts!
Happy Halloween 🎃
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵
From a distance: 🎵Bah bah bah🎵
Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!
Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.
{Me as a police trainee}
COP: So whoever killed him—
ME: Or WHATever kil—
COP: Nope. No. That’s not a real thing. WHOever killed him… did it with something sharp.
ME:
COP:
ME: *Quietly to myself* Or someONE sharp.
Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.
Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.
Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?
Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock
me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
WAITER: how was everything
ME: [rubbing belly] so delicious. thank u
WAITER: great. please stop rubbing my belly
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.
every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.
If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now