Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.
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When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug
I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.
Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair
once in college this girl got drunk and spilled her guts to me about how horrible her boyfriend was and how he was bad in bed and always flirted with other girls in front of her. anyway now they’re engaged <3
911 I JUST SAW TWO TRANSFORMERS FIGHTING
“Mr Bay, please stop doing this every time you see a car crash”
I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”
me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty
How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
“This is the fourth lot of bacon to go missing this week. It can only mean one thing.”
“What’s that Sarge?”
“Someone’s building a pig.”
“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.
Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*
There’s plenty more fish in the sea
“Actually we’ve 5% the tuna we once had. 10% of sharks. 5% of cod”
I’m bad at consoling dumped friends
Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears
Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
my fairytale would be called the princess and the pea sized bladder.
I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.
*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them
Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks
[blind date]
HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart
ME {trying to impress her}: blood
WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?
ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?
[furniture store]
Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.
The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu
Labreador