Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.
You Might Also Like
angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight
God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?
angel: we also invented tequila
if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies
My kids, after they’ve said they’re full, “but our dessert stomach is empty!”
He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.
It was super cute.
Then the pig threw up all over her.
Considerably less cute.
ME: How are you?
GUY WHO JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THE WORD ROBUST: Robust.
That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.
Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
One time we sold our house and when we were moving my husband commented how the blinds never collected dust. “Let’s try to buy those same blinds!”
Me, the invisible duster: ok
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.
Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?
[Petco]
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.
ME: Like a mermaid?
INTERVIEWER:
[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law
Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”
Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.
I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.
My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:
A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or
Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
making my dog give me my pills
britney spears working at an ice cream shop called scoops i did it again.
We should be able to take our arms off when we go to sleep, we have the technology
My kid told me that school today was “bad” and “sooo boring” and all because a teacher said he wasn’t allowed to catch lizards at recess
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.
OK…so naked running…
Apparently this means running without GPS, music, and any other tech.
I wish I knew this an hour ago.
Oh, and send bail money.
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.