Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.
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HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.
Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.
No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott
One of the most fastest seahorses was Landbiscuit
Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.
ME: For my last wish, I want an infinite number of cooked turkeys.
GENIE: Hmmm. *checks Genie handbook* I’ll allow it.
ME: *begins removing all the wishbones*
GENIE: DAMMIT
Some time last year, I accidentally splashed pothole water onto a lady on a rainy day. When I stopped to apologise, the lady immediately ran away! I’m still wondering why
Toddlers can actually be very generous despite their reputation. Sometimes they’ll even offer you the food from out of their own mouth.
*At the bar
Me)Is this seat taken?
Woman)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s OK, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
me: if I’m guilty of anything it’s caring too much…
judge: no it’s armed robbery
me: *clenches fist* about money
My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.
Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.
video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.
Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.
I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.
So annoying when she does this every week.
[sees fly]
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
[sees bird]
GODDAMMIT
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s
Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks
Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.
[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car
Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?