Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.
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If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?
RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.
#LochteGate
What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
I like how having Piñata’s at a child’s birthday party teaches them to beat the shit out of something until they get what they want. Nice.
I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that
How’d you come up with the idea?
Inventor of pac man: I took a bunch of pills one night and ate a ghost. I thought “now here’s something”
-Boss: “Send me one of your funny tweets”
-Me: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later”
-Boss: “Hahaha! Send me another one.”
The club can’t even handle me right now. Like, the club’s just had a very emotionally draining day and the club’s been in a weird place.
[Elementary School sends out the “time to check lost and found for your child’s missing items” annual email…]
Me: Hello, U-haul…Me again…Imma need your biggest truck
*job interview*
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”
Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.
I’m such a bad ass chef that I hear music every time I cook… Hubby calls it the “smoke alarm” but whatever…I think he’s just jealous.
[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there
Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”
People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.
I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
FRIEND: do u want to hang out this weekend
ME: generic excuse
FRIEND: did u just say “generic excuse”
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”
“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”
“You heard me.”
SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?
ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?
FLORIDA MAN SUFFOCATED TO DEATH AFTER HAVING SEX WITH PET ANACONDA
The new MAX app friggin ROCKS! My favorite thing is when I go to watch an episode of TV I’ve previously viewed and it brings me straight to the end credits then immediately autoplays to the next episode’s end credits as well. Smart! Everyone knows the credits are the best part ☺️