Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.
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*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*
Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.
Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*
My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”
I rented this bobcat to help me dig up my new pool but he won’t even hold the shovel. He’s just eating all the neighborhood squirrels.
If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.
I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?
Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.
My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”
The student has surpassed the master
Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.
Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys
If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??
[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”
Just met a baby named Herbert. Weird, right? Reached his little baby hand across the bus aisle and goes, “Hi, I’m a baby. A baby Herbert.”
quarantine day 1: filet mignon with bordelaise sauce, charred asparagus and roasted garlic fingering potatoes
quarantine day 5: entire bag of stale marshmallows
quarantine day 7: tequila
“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”
– Khaki pants
year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again
BaD BoY!!
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
Light as a feather, smorg as a board
Sorry not sorry.
[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”