Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35
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Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.
*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*
I woke up at 3am last night, and still half asleep, had a thought that I JUST HAD TO WRITE DOWN. Pretty sure I’d just won the Internet, I fell back asleep.
In the morning, I was greeted with this gem on my phone:
“2 ninjas are called a pair of sneakers.”
You’re all welcome.
[stopping the tattoo artist 15 seconds into my “feel no pain” tattoo] ok so you’re gonna laugh
They say a dog park is a great place to meet guys.
I don’t have a dog, but I walk around with a bag full of poop so I don’t look weird.
This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
This is a terrible time for kidnappers.
Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂❤️
I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
Okay, good. We’ve made Oreos with more Stuff, but now we need to make each Oreo bigger. I want an Oreo that’s a two-hander
Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.
Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!
Losers.
My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud
Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.
i smell a pulitzer
Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.
It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.
*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.
If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.
[during prison riot]
cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?
me: *shakes magic 8 ball*
magic 8 ball: ask again later
me: shoot hang on
High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.
Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.