My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.
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In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.
[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law
Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.
{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*
I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.
Breaking news:
tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
*bludgeons you with a block of cheese
*eats evidence
Twitter basically:
Person: “These socks are itchy.”
Other people:
“That’s not true. I have socks that aren’t itchy.”
“You shouldn’t generalize about socks.”
“Some people need itchy socks. Stop crapping on them.”
“First-world foot problems.”
“The real problem is shoes.”
I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.
Can’t wait until my wife hears that someone tried to throw a wood-mounted singing largemouth bass in the garbage because it ran out of batteries
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box
When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.
told my therapist i was hesitant to start antidepressants bc of the sexual side effects and she said “do you even have enough sex for that to matter” and long story short im currently headed to walgreens to refill my prescription
All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
I’m just thankful that the presidential election doesn’t have a swimsuit portion.
Niece: I like math
M: 5 X 1?
N: 5
M: *takes out phone* right
N:You’re using your phone?
M: I got a text
N: I didnt hear a sound*runs away*
[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare
After watching the Thriller music video, my kids asked what Michael Jackson transforms into. I told them he becomes a werewolf & my 4yo said, “why is it called a werewolf when I saw it right there on the TV?”
Why do they call it “buckling a cranky baby into a car seat” and not “fasten the furious?”
(Is it still okay to do these given politics?)