Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
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OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
Bird snatches worm: Haha beat you to it sleepy head!
*blam!*
And early riser Hunter Harry gets delicious fried pheasant for lunch.
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.
Nobody ever collects famous first words.
[Talking Heads GPS]
YOU MAY FIND YOURSELF HEADING NORTH ON MAIN STREET. AND YOU MAY ASK YOURSELF HOW DID I GET HERE. AND YOU MAY TELL YOURSELF I NEED TO MAKE A U-TURN.
Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.
My girlfriend & I went to a Halloween party dressed as corn and we didn’t know anyone so we couldn’t join conversations without giving off a very threatening corn energy so we stood in the corner just being corn, eating snacks, and watching people which was probably also alarming
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.
One day, a handsome man will look me in the eyes and lovingly say, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” and this time it won’t be law enforcement.
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying
An attorney is a lot like a Dominatrix.
You don’t want to be seen with them in public, but they’re handy when you’re in cuffs.
She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating siteBut soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
@funTweeters just starred 1 of my tweets. It’s like getting a personal letter fr Jennifer Lawrence, & it asks if she can borrow some stamps.
I want to re-home a dog. Small terrier, tends to bark a lot. If interested let me know and I’ll jump over next door’s fence and get her
Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire
I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
The second world war should have been called world war returns
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them
8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.
I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”