@Roohani19: Apparently, "he's an army officer" isn't the correct response to "who's your daddy".
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@GashleyMadison: Coworker: What would be your ideal- Me: Sleeping CW: But you didn't let me finish my- M: My answer is always sleeping.
@robdelaney: "Bartender, see that brunette at the end of the bar? I'd like you to bring her a slice of your finest ham."
@AndyAsAdjective: [checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share] ME: I knew she'd come crawling back to me one day
@GrantTanaka: *deep fries turkey *deep fries deck *deep fries backyard *deep fries house *deep fries neighborhood *deep fries los angeles