@pungodly

Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.

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@kwkorpi

Son hunted 4 part of our family dinner 2night! With steady nerve & calm focus, he tracked down the hot dog buns for us at the grocery store.

@ShanaRose21

I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.

Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.

@freudianscript

I’m not here to fix your problems, i’m here to set an example of what happens when your problems don’t get fixed.

@BGH70

If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…

@Bob_Janke

Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.

@JennyJohnsonHi5

I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?

@theRealNotJonas

Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.

Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?

@anbrll00

Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.