Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
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Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner
I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
If you’re wondering how much fun I am, we were watching a telly show earlier and I said “we’ve got those gherkins in the cupboard”.
I know, right?
I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.
[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
[on date]
Me, thinking: Compliment her, but don’t be weird.
Me, out loud: You have healthy-looking gums.
[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
I’m rubber. You’re glue.
I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.
Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)
I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.
The average person eats 8 spiders a year
*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
Her: are you almost done?
Me: it got a bit tedious in the middle but i’m on the last page
Cheesecake Factory waiter: please sir, my shift ended 4 hours ago
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.
I found out blowing in the dogs face makes her stop barking. I tried the same thing on my wife to make her stop yelling and she bit me.
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.
-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September
The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
“Omg Yes!”
OVE OUT?
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.
Killing an albatross won’t bring bad luck to sailors, but that is exactly the sort of thing an albatross would go around telling people.